My Pregnancy Journey
Please know that my story discusses infertility and loss. It may be hard to read given your history and experiences. If it’s not healthy for you to read, don’t go on any further.
My journey to pregnancy has not been easy. I want to share my experience because I think we all know that this topic is not discussed often enough. But more importantly, I want to share my story in order to spark others to be a better and more persistent advocate for themselves when it comes to pregnancy (or any aspect of health in general). The tools, resources and support have come a long way, but there’s still plenty of room for improvement in the world of women’s health care.
Before I get started, I want you to know, this is not a story in hopes of making you feel pity for me, or that I am looking for advice or solutions. This is a story about being a human and navigating this part of my story.
Growing up, I never was the person who was dying to have kids. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t against it, I was very much a gender creative (nicer term for ‘tomboy’). I grew up around all boys which meant I was engrossed in the stereotypical male activities like: playing sports, getting dirty and trying to prove I was one of them. By the time I was in high school, I took soccer pretty seriously, had a part-time job, and spent all my free time with my friends. Oh and curling my bangs, I spent a lot of time doing that. During college and the years following, I had countless conversations with friends about our futures and some of us envisioned children, some did not and some were unsure.
The first time I recall even truly considering having a child in my future wasn’t until I had met my husband. To be honest, I was surprised by these thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, I just felt that either I would or would not have children and that was up to the universe to tell me.
In 2018, my IUD expired and we decided not to actively try nor prevent pregnancy. I will never forget the day I was at the pool with friends and the conversation ended with “maybe you should take a pregnancy test”. Once I left, I picked up a test, went home, took it and jumped in the shower. I never expected for it to be positive! I was in such shock for those first few minutes. And of course, proceeded to take the rest of the tests in the package, all of which were positive too. I texted my husband and asked him to meet me at our favorite patio later that day. The first thing he said to me when he arrived was “why aren’t you having a margarita?”, to which I replied, “well, because I just found out we are going to be parents!” The excitement, joy and overwhelming feelings of happiness consumed us for the next five days. We had no idea that was going to be our reaction to becoming parents.
A few days later, I began spotting. I panicked and of course consulted Dr. Google, who told me that it’s totally normal but also told me I needed to get medical help immediately; not confusing at all. This all happened on a weekend, so I had to wait until Monday to get a hold of my OB’s office. As one can imagine, this was incredibly urgent to me, but I was handled with such a lackadaisical approach that I couldn’t understand. For example, at one point, someone over the phone told me there is nothing they can do. Ultimately, the pregnancy was not viable and I had never felt such pain since the loss of my dad 15 years prior.
As soon as my period returned, they told us we could try again. To say I was determined is an understatement. My mindset at that point was I should still be pregnant; it consumed me day in and day out. It’s hard to describe this feeling unless you have experienced it. It only took one time and what do you know, it was a success. We were back on track! I created a routine to check for blood every time I used the restroom. It brought me peace and confidence to not see a speck of blood and because of this, my confidence grew as our eight week appointment approached.
The anticipated appointment day arrived and as I was laying there while the doctor was performing the ultrasound, I could see her facial expression change followed by the words “I’m so sorry.” Although I was eight weeks along, she confirmed that the baby stopped growing around week six. There is no pain that comes close to the pain I felt in this moment and the months that followed. Instead of us sharing the exciting news at Christmas like we had planned and prepared for, I silently lived through the holidays knowing that I was having a surgery to remove the unviable pregnancy.
This doctor was phenomenal, she ran all kinds of tests on me and the tissue to try to identify what could be causing these losses. The only problem ended up being that my surgery day was her last day at the practice. She was moving back to her hometown so all of my results would be handled by a different doctor. A few months later I returned to get my results. The new doctor quickly and cheerfully went through them to let me know everything was “completely normal” and this was “just a fluke” and that there is no reasonable explanation. The choice of words and lack of resources provided just added salt to the wound. She sent me back into the world without resources, making me think I am healthy and carrying such a load of devastation.
In the times that followed, I was completely shattered, broken, confused, angry, in a state of self-loathing and darkness. I grew up being told that getting pregnant “will ruin your life” and like most females spent a lot of time making sure I avoided it. Now that I wanted to get pregnant, I could but I couldn’t keep it? This predicament had never occurred to me. I always just assumed I would or I would not get pregnant. I never thought I would get pregnant just to lose it every time.
Fast forward to 2021, I had changed practices and this new doctor I was seeing told me much the same as the previous doctor: I am healthy and there is no reason for these recurrent losses. For safe measures, we did an HSG test which validates that everything is flowing through my fallopian tubes correctly; the test came back normal. I wasn’t surprised since I’m clearly able to get pregnant. Since my parts seemed to “be in working order” he suggested trying progesterone the next time I had a positive test. Maybe my levels were too low to support the developing embryo and this would help? This idea of test and try when it comes to pregnancy just didn’t feel right. I understand that may be standard protocol for other medical issues but when it comes to creating and sustaining a human life, that approach felt unsafe. I suffered two more losses and still had no explanations.
In early 2022, I had another loss. I do want to acknowledge that we were not taking any measures to really prevent this from happening. I’m not really sure why other than I guess I was running on hope, denial and that maybe this time it will work? Afterall, I had been repeatedly told there is nothing wrong with me. This loss finally helped me to acknowledge that if we are going to have a family naturally, then I need to be a better advocate for myself.
In September of 2022 we had our first visit to a fertility clinic in an effort to get to the bottom of the recurrent miscarriages. In our initial consultation, we took a tour of my uterus and began the process of scheduling and planning for all kinds of genetic tests and bloodwork to get started.
The next day, I took a test because I just had a feeling and sure enough, it was positive. I contacted the clinic to let them know I had a positive test. They jumped into immediate action; something I wasn’t used to; but what a nice change! We confirmed the pregnancy and then a few days later, we checked my HCG levels to confirm they were rising which was all part of the process I was used to. The game changer was that they also ran an extensive blood panel on me.
The next day, they called me back and explained that I had tested positive for Antiphospholipid Syndrome. It’s an autoimmune blood clotting disorder. When it comes to pregnancy, it views it as a foreign body so in order to protect me, it shuts off the blood supply to my uterus. During pregnancy, the blood flow to your uterus needs to increase to support the development and growth long term. The treatment for people with Antiphospholipid Syndrome in pregnancy is to take a daily injection of a blood thinner along with a baby aspirin.
I started injections and aspirin immediately while we waited on the genetic testing results. The good news began to come; all genetic testing came back normal and we saw progression. At week six, we saw and heard the cardiac rhythm (which would become the actual heartbeat once fully developed). This was the furthest we had made it in this journey at that point! Week after week, we continued to hit different milestones until we finally ‘graduated’ from the fertility clinic and moved to a regular OB. However, I also see a fetal maternal medicine specialist for all scans and monitoring. The fertility clinic recommended this approach (which I love) because we are closely monitored and tracked throughout this journey.
I am forever grateful for the actions taken at the fertility clinic. I am thankful that I finally took matters into my own hands to demand some answers (although I wish I had done this sooner). I am thankful that even though this road has been long, sad and full of heartbreak that we have our answer and it’s more simple than we ever imagined (when it comes to infertility).
After the genetic testing of the baby and the in-depth anatomy scan, I have finally started to feel more excited and less anxious. Learning that we will have a daughter has been such exciting news (my bank account thinks much differently)!!
I know we are not in the clear yet (that is something that will remain until she is actually here) but as we continue to hit different milestones and I feel her move around while I outgrow my pants, I know we are on the right path.